Wednesday, October 28, 2009

mutherfucking kangaroo
I saw one, jumping down the streeet. Our street. The street where we live (in complete Tom-and-Barbara stylee). Gordon-fucking-Bennett.
Other news; there is none.
The vegetable garden is coming along; the apple and lemon trees both appear to be doing well (though the app;e treee frankly needs a really hard prune [don't we all, dear] both should drop some fruit at least).
I wish there was news. I wish there was life beyone child and garden. Certainly, finding worth ('quality'), finding a reason to live in housework is a challenge, but never let it be said I couldn't rise to a challenge. And Sprout is amazingly adorable, so there.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

fun - ee cummings style
Just so that the joy is recorded along with the misery...
when the world is mud-
luscious

when the world is mud-luscious

when the world is puddle-wonderful
when the world is puddle-wonderful

it's
spring
and
the

goat-footed

balloonMan whistles
far
and
wee

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jumping
Christ, things are mad here. Nowhere to live. No job. Staying with TA's friends, who have a Sprout-aged little girl, while TA teaches in Melbourne. We're saving money, but my sanity has gone for a burton. Sprout is up from 3am every night feeding until 6am, at which point I just give up and get both of us up. I miss London. I miss work. I miss friends. I miss having an identity that is separate from my relationship with TA and Sprout. I miss being a functioning adult. I miss understanding how the world works. I miss sleep. I miss the BBC and freedom to listen to Radio 4. I miss writing - here, there, everywhere. I miss my figure - I'm Rubensesque.
I'm looking for somewhere to live (I still don't understand how it can take months - and I'm the one living it); I'm looking for a job. Frequently, I'm looking for my sanity - if you see it, please let me know.
My days are a blur of coffee and childcare. We go to the park. A lot.
Sometimes TA and I commit to doing something 'fun'. Last weekend we went to a children's farm so that Sprout and I could stroke piglets. On the way there, a kangaroo jumped across the road in front of us. That brings my kangaroo spottings to two.
We've been in Australia nearly a year. Very few days have gone by where I've not wished I was still in London.

Monday, April 13, 2009

orphaned
Back to my point of origin, but feel both hyper-connected and strangely distanced. Unreal city, unreal island. Sprout doesn't care, of course, as long as there's milk and me he's happy. He's not so keen on the grandparents though and, presumably thanks to the plane journey, he is spraying snot every which way - his first non-teething illness. Nice to be back in the homeland of melus melus though.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

by Sydney Central station I sat down and wept
Or at least I felt like doing so. The last couple of weeks have been very strange. It was my birthday - always a time of introspection in the run up. Then on the day (here) I heard that my cousin had been taken very ill suddenly and, since it was sadness several steps removed, it made the day seem sweeter and more precious in comparision. I woke up the next day to discover that my cousin had died on my birthday (there). The strangeness of time difference acomplishing a further disconnection.
The funeral was yesterday and, of course, I couldn't make it, but I wrote to my very frail Free French Navy veteran uncle some words of attempted comfort. And, in the meantime, there was the news of the beautiful, stately Natasha Richardson's tumble and death on the ski slopes. I had a bit of a Diana moment - it was easier, cleaner and altogether less complicated to be sad about her death than grieve for my cousin. Easier by far to read up on a life well lived and mourn a stranger with a familiar face than mourn an unfamiliar, but at the root of it actually family, cousin distanced by time, place and circumstance.
In between times, I have been awarded my spouse visa (finally) and begun sorting through the remnant of a remnant of our belongings into sell, bin and keep piles. We'll need to put everything in storage so it will pay to travel light. Again.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

just dance

nb. I was standing next to the CD player, the music wasn't that loud.

Friday, February 27, 2009

onwards and upwards
Yep, we're moving. TA's extended probation came to an end and with it his employment, which - after two months of sniping and bullying - was quite a big relief. So. We're off to Melbourne to start afresh. So many thoughts, ideas, hopes, fears. So much hanging in the balance. It's scary times again. And we all know that last time we were in this position we both lost our minds; better watch out that doesn't happen again. Sprout helps keep us grounded and focused on the here and now, but a little part of me still wants to up sticks entirely - Bali, Thailand? - anywhere hot and cheap where I can teach English and lie on a beach sipping something iced and deadly alcoholic. Part of me wonders how I got so old.

Friday, February 20, 2009

post-grad peachy
I never really 'got' Angela Carter the first time round. Shame. I get her now. The blood. The confusion. The pride. Motherhood was supposed to resolve the conflictions, not enhance them. I'm very slow.
we will storm any fortress
Sometimes, about once or twice a month or, if I'm lucky, more, I get this amazing rush. I suppose something like Tony Robbins feels all the time: personal power. Or, if you grew up in a new-age house like I did, Kundalini rising (though the feminist in me - she's still there - finds the snake imagery inappropriate).*
I will overcome.
Whether it's directed at myCGpimp, the novel in utero or the impending financial meltdown (personal and/or global) - I am filled with an intoxicating sense of self belief. If I knew where to get it, I would keep drinking the Koolaid. (thank you, PR agency, you have changed my personal terms of reference forever) Actually, more often than not the Koolaid is words - as Elizabeth Smart's biographer wrote of her: she got turned on by words. Me too, me too.

*As an imagery and feminist theory-obsessed undergraduate I was rather partial to the idea of the uterus as ram (yes, I know, gender confusiontastic) battering its way out of the body: head down and CHARGE!
My bedroom door in the third year of uni featured two adornments: a bleached skull of a ram and a line of self-penned poetry that had been turned into a negative by the typewriter's ribbon: 'bloodeagled by your eager eye'. Pretentious, moi?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

release
That's what we're looking for, isn't everyone? We're both so tired of laying track as fast as we can while the train's whistle sounds in our ears. We read Four Hour Work Week and a light that had been flickering for years went on and stayed on. Now, I veer from messianic self belief to crippled with doubt. The audacity of stupidity, perhaps, but we tell each other - it has to work. And if it doesn't we'll try something else. As TA, in his Aussie way, says, "Throw enough shit on the wall and some of it will stick."
Anyway, today I wrote our launch press release, ready for when the site is finished. Those three years at the PR agency will stand me in good stead, I hope.
The final aim is to move to Gippsland - yes, charred and smoking Gippsland - and live the self-sufficient dream. Meanwhile, I make yogurt, mother Sprout, create an online presence, look for a new day job for TA and continue to work on myCGpimp. Interesting times...

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

envy
TA is sad - he's missed out on ten centimetres. 'S no big deal,' I say to him, but we both know that's not true. Depth does matter. TA imagines how much fun he could be having taking the pupster and Sprout out to play. Cold seems like such a comforting, cosy idea when it's 40C outside.
Meanwhile, in the sweat and stink of our little study, we hatch our plans for world domination and financial security. It's a strange time to be launching a new business, except Australia - for the most part - seems to be singing 'la, la, la - it's not happening' while sticking collective fingers in ears. It really is all upside down here.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

learning curve
TA and I have had an idea for a business; well, TA had the idea, but I'm the one who is currently executing on delivery. It's a big leap in the dark! Anyway, I'm experimenting with the tools that will form a supplimentary part of the project over in the sidebar. I expect the adverts will be removed once the project is up and running. It's a bit crazy - we've never done anything this wild before, but necessity is the mother of invention and all that.

learning curve too
Sprout is one. It is time, I have decided, to get more disciplined about enriching his environment. That sounds very serious, doesn't it? It isn't at all, of course! I'm aiming for one new activity a day.
Yesterday we did finger painting for the first time, which was a qualified success - the activity lasted all of three minutes with at least five minutes of set up and clean up either side, but there. The day before we played with playdoh, again it was only diverting for a few minutes. Today, I am planning to help him develop his balance (he's walking and climbing already) by setting up an obstacle course in the living room with cushions.
We walk Skye in Centennial Park most days, which gets him looking at trees, ibises, cockatoos, pelicans and so forth, we go to the swings most afternoons (he dislikes the swing itself, but loves picking up leaves and twigs). He also has a fair amount of independent play each day, not to mention naptime.
This stay-at-home mother business is more time consuming than I ever imagined, what with chores and all the other bits I fit into the day!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

gestation
TA's job situation has gone from bad to worse as the two-month extension passes. I had thought that this would happen as I've watched similar things happen to friends in the past. Plans are being hatched, cunning and otherwise, to get us out of this employment pickle in a stronger position than before. We're entering, for us, uncharted territory as we seriously consider taking a year off to travel, amongst other things. It's an interesting mix of excitement and terror! TA and I have flirted with doing this before, but this time we might really mean it.
Watch this space, as they say.

Monday, January 12, 2009

winded
Ouf. Things have gone for a burton; if not immediately, soon, we might well be back in 2004, with neither of us working. It’s all even more scary this time. We’re much better prepared for employment gaps - we have some savings, for example - but I can’t look for work until I have a spouse visa, which although in progress has been complicated by my odd medical history and may take months to come through. And then there’s Sprout to feed, clothe, house and care for. TA is fighting for his career survival and I’m lone parenting so that he can put in extra hours. We’re both terrified, but trying to stay strong for each other. At least it’s not -10° outside, like it is at home.